So you think innovation, going green and technology creates a more civilized, efficient society? Come along with me on a trip to the Ladies Rest Room. . .

Be careful, it’s dark! They (“They” refers to those people who decided it was a great idea to take technology in bathrooms to the nth degree) have concluded that you don’t need light until you need it.  Not wanting to enter a dark room, I hold the door open and grope the wall for a light switch. Then it dawns on me that it’s probably motion sensored. So I step inside the restroom waving my arms around to let the sensor know I have arrived!  There is light, thank God. I’ve already lost valuable time towards my ultimate goal and that’s not good for a woman who’s had three children. I pick the closest stall, even though the voice in my head reminds me that research says the closest stall to the door is the germiest, or was it the furthest?  Whatever, I’m in!

Now it’s time to lock the door. So many different locks, so little time.  Dancing in place, I joggle with the toggle, I jiggle. I jangle. Would someone please tell me why they can make a computer smaller than a potato chip but no one can make a bathroom door that actually locks?!  I hold it shut while making the necessary clothing moves to maneuver into proper position.

“Someone’s in here!” I bark.

(Little boy sobbing) “Mommy that lady in stall number one is really mean!”

“You, Jerk!”

Me? Who cares, I am finally going. Unfortunately the relief is short-lived. I now have to wipe while one hand holds the door shut!  But first, I have to figure out how to get more than one square of toilet paper off  the new age dispenser that was obviously designed by an aeronautical engineer.  “Oh for the love of God!” I manage to get a few scraps before I’m immersed in pitch black.

“Hey! Who turned the lights off?”

I sit there, waiting. . .  for someone new to come in the room to activate the light sensor!

Now all I have to do is flush. There are two state-of-the-art flushers out there these days. The newest is the eco flush. Up for liquid down for solids.  So now you have to make a detailed analysis of your going?  What if it’s kind of a combination?  What if there’s more of one than the other?  Do you call in a voting crew?  What if an up doesn’t quite get the job done?

Thankfully, I don’t have to make that assessment. This is the more common flusher. The one that flushes magically all by itself. But exactly when and why it flushes remains one of the great mysteries of the 21^st century. Initially, I believe it was designed around getting up and off the seat. But look out! Sometimes if you’re just re-positioning, it can set off a geyser in the upward direction.

Of course, when you really want to flush, getting up rarely triggers it.

I stand up.

No flush.

I swipe my hand in the vicinity of the open bowl.

No flush.

I take a giant leap away from it, as if to let it know that I am truly finished!

I’m now extremely flushed. But the toilet isn’t.

Maybe it’s voice activated. “Flush! Flush!” I scream into the bowl.

“I did!” the lady in the next stall shouts above the whoosh.

But no go for me. With one hand still holding the door closed, I start looking for that secretly disguised manual button – on the wall, on the top of the toilet cover, behind the toilet, under the toilet, I press everything that could possibly be a button and I still can’t get no elimination.

I am left with no choice but to open the door, and hope that will make it all go away.

Nope.

Great, now I will become the Biggest Loser – the disgusting chick who didn’t flush. The one who can’t take care of her own shh…..there it GOES!

I make my way to the sink, look up and scream in terror.  Who is that aging Dracula in the mirror?  Oh no, it’s me, thanks to the energy efficient fluorescent light bulbs (They must shop at the same store as my husband).

“Don’t look!” I cry.

“I’m not, you idiot!”

Obviously I said that out loud.

I put my hands under the soap dispenser. Then I wave my hands back and forth under the soap dispenser.  I hit the top of the soap dispenser. Then I wave my hands in a wide sweeping arc motion under the f-ing soap dispenser!

“Watch it! You nearly took my eye out you a-hole!”

Sorry, I say, moving down a couple of sinks. For some insane reason, the soap dispenser works.  What did I do differently I ask myself? How come I couldn’t do it that way the firs time?  First I can’t text, now I can’t dispense.  Every women in here hates me and I look an aging horror film star.   My self-esteem is going right down the toilet.

I put my hands under the water spout, because, of course, they’ve done away with those terribly pesky faucets that you simply turn ON! 

No water.

I push my hands up closer to the spout. I push my hands down.  I wave them all around. I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around. Oh the humanity! I go to the next sink and the next, and after pushing a slowpoke Grandma to the floor, I find one that finally releases a flow.

Onto the dryer.  I wave, to get air, I dance, I hit, I kick, and kick and kick and knock it right off the wall!

And the manager of the establishment comes in and tells me I have to pay for a brand new dispenser.

And that my friends, is how technology has shot us all to hell.

How has efficiency and technology hurt rather than helped you to succeed in life?  Please share, or send money. Those new-age dispensers are pricey. 

LADIES – ARE YOU READY TO LIVE YOUR MOST AWESOME LIFE?

ARE YOU READY TO EMBRACE YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS?

WE’VE GOT THE PLAN TO GET YOU THERE!

 September 20^th, 2013

Make It Happen Women’s Conference

DePaul University, Naperville, IL Campus

8 a.m. – 4 p.m.

 The Make It Happen Women’s Conference, presented by professional speaker and purseologist, Deb DiSandro, and author and business success coach, Marla Tabaka, is a day to renew your mind, redefine your goals and leave with a plan in hand.

Whether it’s career advancement, strengthening personal relationships, or improving your overall health and well-being, the techniques and tools in this program are designed to help you overcome the fears and doubts that may be holding you back  so that you can achieve the success you’ve always imagined.

Get ready to make your personal and professional dreams a reality!

Register today at www.makeithappenlive.com and get two tickets for the price of one!

For more information, call and talk to Deb – 815-954-5817

For those of you who have a dream to write and publish a book, this is the first in a series of writers I’ve coached who have achieved  just that. May their dream realized inspire your dream!

Lisa was a shy kid, so shy in fact that she was bullied in school, which only magnified her shyness and insecurity.  At some point Lisa’s shyness became a disorder called, Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Every day she battled the inner demons that threatened to engulf her life. But she was determined to heal and also share her story of healing and hope with others. All of that came to fruition and culminated in the publishing of her book, Releasing the Secret Pain: Moving Beyond Social Anxiety Disorder, 2012 (available on www.amazon.com or www.Barnesandnoble.com or on Lisa’s website at https://www.releasingsocialanxiety.com/ )

Just like the confidence she exudes, no one can see the years of struggle, sweat and tears that Lisa put into her book and new-found freedom from SAD. Lisa chose my one-on-one coaching program and felt it gave her the consistency and motivation she needed to stay focused. It took  some major revisions before she decided on the part memoir, part self-help final format.

Lisa said, The most difficult times were the times when I thought the book was 100% completed!   Then I’d get some feedback that would mean a significant re-write.  The initial emotion when I received the feedback was denial (that the book was good as is!), then sadness (when I realized the person giving me the feedback was probably right), then acceptance (that I was, in fact, going to re-write the book again).  I re-wrote the book completely, four times, and two of the times were based on feedback.  The feedback received after version three was done was especially hard because up to that point, I had put the most energy and time into version three.  But, once I finished crying about it, I put a new lens on and saw that I could produce an even better book.

In addition to her willingness to revise, there were two other factors that contributed to Lisa’s success. Her positive attitude and her desire to help others. Whenever we spoke, Lisa remained upbeat and honestly believed that she would one day finish her manuscript. That could be because she had a higher purpose for her book. Lisa always said her main reason for writing Releasing the Secret Pain was to raise awareness of social anxiety disorder.  She said, For all those suffering, I wanted them to see that they are not alone and that there is hope for a better life. Lisa is currently presenting for school districts and support groups.

If you’re ready to write that book, contact Deb for support! deb@slightlyoff.com

Sometimes the truth can be found in the most surprising places. I was browsing through Walmart the other day, looking for the perfect container to hold the sea shells I had brought back from Florida. And yes, according to the U.S. Custom and Border Protection website, I can take sea shells from Florida for my personal use!

When I found it! Not the container, but the sign that read, Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. And this feeling came over me, that feeling you get when you know something is true without a doubt. My whole body relaxed into the truth of it. I sighed with surrender, and smiled at all of the angst I was putting into so many things and so many people, even a container for seashells! I realized the sign worked on so many levels. You could replace “life” with He or She doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. You could replace it with I don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. You could replace it with just about anything! What is it you keep putting off or butting up against because you feel it has to be perfect?

This photo album doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
This party doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
My body doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
This speech doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

I bought the sign along with a “wonderful” container for my seashells and put them in a “wonderful” space on my bedroom dresser and every day I am reminded of the wonderfulness of, well, everything!

What in your life doesn’t have to be perfect, to be wonderful?

I, on the other hand, was completely entranced, and deeply moved by the entire movie production.  And all because I didn’t have any pre-conceived notions of how it needed to be or measure up.

Imagine how often our perceptions of how things are supposed to be and how people are supposed to act, have disappointed us in life.  Someone doesn’t say thank you and we perceive it as rude, because our past experience has taught us otherwise. Our quick judgment can cloud our thinking and we may not even take into consideration that there might be extenuating circumstances.  Maybe the person is overwhelmed with emotion. Maybe the person feels unworthy of the gift you have given. Maybe this person was simply not taught to say thank you (most of our expectations and perceptions were taught to us in childhood by the age of 7 – not all of us received the same training), but if you had looked into their eyes, you may have seen the gratitude there, all the same.

Stephen Covey tells a powerful story in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  What starts out as a quiet subway ride home from a tough day at the office, is suddenly disrupted by a man who gets on with his two unruly children. The kids start throwing things, and purposely acting out to annoy all the other passengers.

What would you be thinking?  What would you do?

Covey decides to remind the man of his responsibility to take control of his kids. The man turns to him and says, ‘We just came from the hospital their mother just died and I guess they don’t know how to handle it, neither do I.’ Covey is immediately apologetic and shifts from his judgmental perception to one of compassion and understanding. He calls it a paradigm shift.

As I often share in my training programs on Emotional Intelligence, most of our problems in life stem from our own perceptions of how we think things should be. We have to be willing to expand our perceptions to see what we at first may not see, or  let go of our assumptions and allow ourselves to see the whole picture, the possible good and even the beauty present in any situation.

When I think of the time, effort, devotion and passion that went into making Les Miz, the movie, it inspires me to see what’s possible if we can only move beyond our narrow perceptions.

What perceptions do you have that need some shifting or expanding today?

*******

Deb can help your team or organzation shift their perceptions. For more information on Emotional Intelligence training, contact Deb at 815-954-5817

Last week I attended a meeting for training and development specialists. The Chicagoland Chapter of the American Society of Training and Development. While listening to the speaker, I took out my notebook and began scribbling. So did the man next to me. Then I looked up and noticed a bunch of young-uns tweeting, texting, and otherwise absorbed in their smart phones. My generation finds this rude. Their generation finds this natural. My generation has no idea how then can do that and be fully in the moment. Their generation feels that they aren’t just listening to a speaker, but interacting, and adding to the experience by tweeting a statistic or facebooking a phrase with someone on the other side of the globe.

I’m starting to get it, but there is a problem.

The other day, I was talking to my Millennial daughter about this funny movie and wracking my brain for the name of the main actor, “You know,” I said, “he was in that other movie with Cameran Diaz.”

Silence.

I looked up to see my daughter busy texting. She has that really annoying way of  texting that really ticks me off. She texts fast.

Upset by her obvious lack of interest in our conversation, I pouted and shouted, “Thanks for ignoring me! You probably think I’m just some old fuddy duddy who doesn’t deserve your full attention! Well I’m still relevant, even if I can only text with one index finger,” I said bursting into tears. (Note: For those of you young-uns who are reading this blog, and recognize that these types of random outbursts happen with your mom too, just Google or Wiki or Webmed “menopause” and then go give your mom a big hug!).

My daughter looked up from her text and simply said, “Ben Stiller.”

“What?!”

“It was Ben Stiller. I looked up that movie actor for you.”

“Oh, well, uh, thanks,” I said sheepishly.

See there’s the problem! How do I know if someone is being rude when they are ignoring me and texting furiously or if they are gathering information on a point to add to our conversation!? “You want to go to a movie?” I ask my husband.

Silence. He doesn’t even look up from his laptop.

“Thanks for ignoring me, you, you self-absorbed cretin!”

My husband glares at me. “I was looking up the movies at Showplace.”

“Oh, well, uh, thanks,” I say sheepishly.

No one ever tells me! How am I supposed to know! Send up a smoke signal. Hold up a flash card. Have a hand signal or a flick of the right nostril, something to let me know. Are you interactively involved in our conversation or playing Words with Friends with my cousin in Poughkeepsie!

We need to figure this out. Because if I had only known, I wouldn’t have thrown my son’s phone into the koi pond (okay, I don’t really have a koi pond, it was the sewer drain). I wouldn’t have flipped off the barista in Starbucks if I had only known she was looking up the origination of coffee beans, per my query.

As a speaker who speaks on communication styles, and how it impacts working relationships, I need to know if there is a signal or a code. So, if you know of one, tweet me, better yet, send me an e-mail, even better, call me on my home phone, or just stop by, I’ll make you some tea.

Newsweek’s article on the last page of the magazine is called, “What’s Your Favorite Mistake?”  Well, we don’t usually promote our mistakes, much less have a favorite! When wealthy entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson started the Virgin Atlantic airlines he wanted a way to advertise without spending too much money (We entrepreneurs can relate!). So he built the Virgin Atlantic Challenger to break the record for the fastest speed boat to ever cross the Atlantic Ocean.

Two hundred miles from England, the boat broke in two. Branson says, “As the helicopters and press were flying over, the only thing that was sticking out of the water was the big Virgin (airlines) sign on the boat.” Branson’s failed trip became a much bigger story than if he had been successful. The next year he built another boat and did break the speed record. Branson says, “Trying things – even if you fall flat on your face – is more important than  not trying at all. And if you do fail at something, you should pick yourself up and keep trying until you succeed.”

My own mistake happened years ago.  I was right in the middle of giving a speech to a large number of women and had to stop and excuse myself to go to the restroom. I actually got down from the stage (in my flowing superwoman costume), wound my way through the crowd to the women’s room in the back of the theater. Thank goodness I turned my mic off ( Wait a minute, did I turn my mic off?  Omg, I hope I turned my mic off!).

In that moment, I thought that an all women audience would think this was hysterically funny. I sure did! I joked about how having three kids changes things biologically in more ways than one. Well, they didn’t laugh, not one giggle. Unlike Branson, the mistake didn’t make me more successful that day. I still cringe when I think about it. And up until now, I’ve rarely admitted this mistake to anyone, especially any of my speaking colleagues. To this day, I don’t know how the client who had hired me felt about my untimely break, but I certainly didn’t get asked back next year!

Well, like Branson says, I did try again and since then I’ve learned to hold it all in when I’m on stage. Wow, it feels so good to get this off my chest. I didn’t realize until now, that what I’ve really been holding onto all these years is shame. And you know what? Holding onto this shame no longer serves me! So, big deal, I had to go! Sex and the City, author Candace Bushnell, says, “You have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” Well, I let go alright! And I’m letting go of this shame from now on too. This is definitely my favorite mistake – for now. I hope to have more, because if we’re not making mistakes, then we’re not really living.

So, what’s your favorite mistake?

Marilyn Vos Savant is one of those super smart chicks. She was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for five years under Highest IQ for both childhood and adult scores. Since 1986, she has written the Ask Marilyn column in Parade Magazine, a favorite section of mine in the Chicago Tribune.

Yes, I still read an actual, physical, hard copy newspaper. I love the surprise on my driveway every Sunday morning and the smell of newspaper ink as I tear open the plastic bag and the multiple sections spill out onto my kitchen table. Coffee cup in hand, I begin perusing the contents. I always read Marilyn. Rarely do I find her responses upsetting or downright depressing, until today.

The question posed: “If a person did not smile at all, would he or she develop the same wrinkles around the mouth as people who do smile?”

According to Marilyn, No! Smiling and frowning causes many of the permanent facial creases that develop as skin ages.

Unless you want to train your face to remain as expressionless as a possible, there’s no solution, except to stop making goofy faces. She went on to say that some people make faces to amplify their remarks, get attention, and communicate non-verbally. And that’s me!

As a humorist, motivational speaker, and someone who has been using her face to make people laugh as early as I can remember, I was shocked to learn that my profession is causing me to “repeatedly stretch my facial skin” and cause wrinkles! So I stood in the mirror and made some goofy faces, and looked at all the places where wrinkles are becoming finely etched into my face like the ridges on a Ruffles, or tire tracks on the Indy, and I started to frown. Then I remembered that frowning makes it worse! Then my eyebrows shot up into my creased forehead and the look of concern caused the crater between my eyeballs to cave in even deeper.

After a while, I did find a solution and took immediate action to rectify this growing problem. I took two giant steps backwards and looked in the mirror again. I looked great!

Congratulations to my friend and colleague, Dianne Morr, who just published her new book, Choose Happy: 25 Happiness Habits to Transform Your Life. One of my favorite habits from her book is the Ta-Da List. Here’s why we all need our own cheering section:

I know you have a To Do list. We all make great plans for ourselves and set glorious goals. We have heard all the advice. “Plan your work. Work your plan.” “Failing to plan is planning to fail.” If we’re not careful, we can get discouraged when we look at those lists and plans at the end of the day, or the week, or the month.

Here is my advice for gaining some perspective on how you are really doing. Celebrate your accomplishments by writing a Ta-Da list. Write down all the things you accomplish whether it is on your To Do list or not. 

Every day, important surprises happen. They are not in our plans but we have to deal with them anyway. As my favorite philosopher, John Lennon, said, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” Starting today give yourself credit for how well you are handling life as it presents itself to you. Be sure that your Ta-Da list includes all the things you did that weren’t on that To Do list or weekly plan, or quarterly goal sheet. Read your Ta-Da list out loud even if you are alone. Then take a bow and proclaim, “Ta-Da!”

Dianne Morr, Choose Happy: 25 Happiness Habits to Transform Your Life

Dianne is a fellow author and speaker who loves sharing her Happiness message with readers and audiences. You can learn more about Dianne and her book by visiting her website: DianneSpeaking.com.

Read this archived column from 2008 and discover why it inspired Deb to plan her first Women’s Getaway Cruise. . .  

If I tell you where I am right now, you’ll probably be envious, maybe even jealous. I’m alone – minus kids, husband, friends, family, chores – in a log cabin in the middle of the woods. There’s a fire burning in a stone fireplace and someone just brought me seared tuna on a bed of fresh spinach, which I am now eating while sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio from Italy.

Did I mention I was alone? Did I mention the miles of wooded trails right outside my front door? Did I mention the quiet? The king size bed and a remote all to myself? Comfy sweat pants?

Everyone in my real world is left to fend for themselves for three nights and four days, while I luxuriate in solitude. Oh, I’m not totally free of responsibility. I’m here to work and write. As I told my husband, “Maya Angelou does is all the time!” But truthfully, my heart and soul needed it more than my writing.

I’m not even sure men need this kind of getaway. Men are better at finding alone time, even when they are in the middle of a party or family gathering. They don’t feel the responsibility to connect and nurture everyone around them, the way women do.  Most of the men I know are more selfish, or more assertive about getting what they want first.

I don’t have to spout statistics to support the fact that women are weary in January.  Whether self-imposed, or expected, women do most of the holidays. After 10, 20, 30 years of holidays, most of the women I know are exhausted, irritable and finding it hard to get back on track. And I’ve discovered that as we women, um, mature, our entire beings cry out for some solitude.

Most of us don’t do much about it, besides suffer in silence or complain to our best girlfriends. We tell ourselves we don’t have any choice, that our time is not our own. We say that one day, when the kids are grown, our parents are healthy, or our partners are supportive, that our time will come when we can put ourselves first.

So we wait. We wait for that time, or for permission.  Sometimes that permission comes from a doctor, a concerned friend, a pink slip, a frustrated husband, a smothered kid, your dog. But most times permission never comes.

If this column doesn’t leave you sighing and saying, “I wish I could do what Deb did”, then I applaud and admire you.  Obviously you’re a woman who knows how to balance the needs of others with your own.

But for the rest of you, who need some coaxing, let me tell you, it was worth every single solitary second.

Maybe this is all the encouragement you’ll need to give yourself a time-out.  Maybe you’ll cut this column out to remind yourself to take a break every now and then.  And maybe your best intentions will be swallowed up by your obligations, work load and family to-do list.

So let me give you an actual prescription slip:

Here is your official DPGA (Deb’s Permission to Get Away) to attend my first ever retreat!

I wrote this column four years ago and I never had my retreat.  I forgot to do one thing – give myself permission to believe that I could pull it off! My dream was to hold a fun, meaningful and empowering retreat for moms, sisters, cousins, and friends – women of all ages. I wanted to give women an opportunity to laugh a lot, learn a little and go back to their lives, lighter of heart. Well, it took me four years, but I finally believe it’s possible. And then, my cousin, Colleen, the travel agent gave me permission to sail!

I’m sailing to Cozumel from February 7-11 for my first ever Purseology Cruise!

What is a purseology cruise, you ask?  After years of delving the depths of many purses and speaking to women across the country, I’ve created a retreat to share the wisdom that comes from harnessing the power of your own unique purse-onality. Based on my purse presentations and other wisdom-filled teachings, we’ll talk, we’ll laugh, we’ll dance and we’ll become empowered to be our best selves.

For only $250 you can reserve your space today!  =Call Erin Foster at Travel Connections to set up a payment plan that works best for you. (Note first 20 women to sign up will receive a save the date purse-onal empowerment luggage tag!)

Click here to read more and be on the lookout for developing news on available scholarships and ways to help struggling, single moms take part in this special event.