Be careful, it’s dark! They (“They” refers to those people who decided it was a great idea to take technology in bathrooms to the nth degree) have concluded that you don’t need light until you need it. Not wanting to enter a dark room, I hold the door open and grope the wall for a light switch. Then it dawns on me that it’s probably motion sensored. So I step inside the restroom waving my arms around to let the sensor know I have arrived! There is light, thank God. I’ve already lost valuable time towards my ultimate goal and that’s not good for a woman who’s had three children. I pick the closest stall, even though the voice in my head reminds me that research says the closest stall to the door is the germiest, or was it the furthest? Whatever, I’m in!
Now it’s time to lock the door. So many different locks, so little time. Dancing in place, I joggle with the toggle, I jiggle. I jangle. Would someone please tell me why they can make a computer smaller than a potato chip but no one can make a bathroom door that actually locks?! I hold it shut while making the necessary clothing moves to maneuver into proper position.
“Someone’s in here!” I bark.
(Little boy sobbing) “Mommy that lady in stall number one is really mean!”
Me? Who cares, I am finally going. Unfortunately the relief is short-lived. I now have to wipe while one hand holds the door shut! But first, I have to figure out how to get more than one square of toilet paper off the new age dispenser that was obviously designed by an aeronautical engineer. “Oh for the love of God!” I manage to get a few scraps before I’m immersed in pitch black.
“Hey! Who turned the lights off?”
I sit there, waiting. . . for someone new to come in the room to activate the light sensor!
Now all I have to do is flush. There are two state-of-the-art flushers out there these days. The newest is the eco flush. Up for liquid down for solids. So now you have to make a detailed analysis of your going? What if it’s kind of a combination? What if there’s more of one than the other? Do you call in a voting crew? What if an up doesn’t quite get the job done?
Thankfully, I don’t have to make that assessment. This is the more common flusher. The one that flushes magically all by itself. But exactly when and why it flushes remains one of the great mysteries of the 21st century. Initially, I believe it was designed around getting up and off the seat. But look out! Sometimes if you’re just re-positioning, it can set off a geyser in the upward direction.
Of course, when you really want to flush, getting up rarely triggers it.
I stand up.
I swipe my hand in the vicinity of the open bowl.
I take a giant leap away from it, as if to let it know that I am truly finished!
I’m now extremely flushed. But the toilet isn’t.
Maybe it’s voice activated. “Flush! Flush!” I scream into the bowl.
“I did!” the lady in the next stall shouts above the whoosh.
But no go for me. With one hand still holding the door closed, I start looking for that secretly disguised manual button – on the wall, on the top of the toilet cover, behind the toilet, under the toilet, I press everything that could possibly be a button and I still can’t get no elimination.
I am left with no choice but to open the door, and hope that will make it all go away.
Great, now I will become the Biggest Loser – the disgusting chick who didn’t flush. The one who can’t take care of her own shh…..there it GOES!
I make my way to the sink, look up and scream in terror. Who is that aging Dracula in the mirror? Oh no, it’s me, thanks to the energy efficient fluorescent light bulbs (They must shop at the same store as my husband).
“Don’t look!” I cry.
“I’m not, you idiot!”
Obviously I said that out loud.
I put my hands under the soap dispenser. Then I wave my hands back and forth under the soap dispenser. I hit the top of the soap dispenser. Then I wave my hands in a wide sweeping arc motion under the f-ing soap dispenser!
“Watch it! You nearly took my eye out you a-hole!”
Sorry, I say, moving down a couple of sinks. For some insane reason, the soap dispenser works. What did I do differently I ask myself? How come I couldn’t do it that way the firs time? First I can’t text, now I can’t dispense. Every women in here hates me and I look an aging horror film star. My self-esteem is going right down the toilet.
I put my hands under the water spout, because, of course, they’ve done away with those terribly pesky faucets that you simply turn ON!
I push my hands up closer to the spout. I push my hands down. I wave them all around. I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around. Oh the humanity! I go to the next sink and the next, and after pushing a slowpoke Grandma to the floor, I find one that finally releases a flow.
Onto the dryer. I wave, to get air, I dance, I hit, I kick, and kick and kick and knock it right off the wall!
And the manager of the establishment comes in and tells me I have to pay for a brand new dispenser.
And that my friends, is how technology has shot us all to hell.
How has efficiency and technology hurt rather than helped you to succeed in life? Please share, or send money. Those new-age dispensers are pricey.